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Nardi and Beth E. Social perspectives in lesbian and gay studies: Routledge, John Middlemist Herrick and Paul H.
E ncyclopedia of social welfare history in North America. SAGE, Don M. Coerver, Suzanne B. Pasztor, Robert Buffington. Yolanda C. Gay and lesbian rights organizing: Transvestism, masculinity, and Latin America literature: Palgrave Macmillan, Louis Crompton. Harvard University Press, Wayne R.
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Previous Next. Understanding your sexuality is a personal journey which can often be painful. For some it can be a lifetime of confusion and struggle. By Amy Chien-Yu Wang. Why am I feeling like I do? Why are things going wrong in my life? Carmon's advice for those caught in such situation is to carefully weigh up the pros and cons. Most research on suicide has been done on youth with an increasing emphasis in recent years on bullying, but very little research has explored gay, middle-aged men and suicide. At whatever age a person first begins to seriously question their sexual orientation, that conflict has been implicated in the lead up to the suicide attempt.
Most gay and bi men can cope successfully if they have access to the right resources. Therapists who are knowledgeable and affirming provide helpful therapeutic experiences , while counseling from therapists who focus on changing sexual orientation or encourage hiding it are unhelpful and sometimes damaging. People who seek counseling from religious advisors who considered homosexuality sinful have a higher risk of suicide than those who counsel with affirming religious groups.
A recent study found that strict conformity to masculine norms had implications for negative mental health outcomes , including depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and poor body image. The three characteristics most closely associated with poor outcomes were self-reliance, power over women, and sexual promiscuity. Boys are taught to be self-reliant by gender police who continuously remind them to take it like a man when they transgress from this norm. For gay men, this is often accompanied by a sense of shame: A consistent correlation exists between race and socioeconomic factors.
Those from a racial minority or living in poverty have poorer outcomes and higher risks of successful suicide. As more and more people have come out in recent years, social attitudes toward homosexuality have changed albeit with significant backlash. One of the most necessary changes is to deconstruct the requirement for self-reliance and reconstruct a new sense of masculinity. As I describe in my book Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight , coming out is not an event but a process.
Not everyone has to come out to every person in every circumstance. Having a supportive group of family and friends is very important. The Internet has helped men isolated in rural areas or cultures with strong prohibitions against homosexuality, and it allows for an anonymous discussion of questions concerning sexuality. A good therapist will not impose their values on their counselees. Care-seekers are often intimidated by their perception of an imbalance of power in the counseling relationship, but you have a right to interview the therapist about their attitudes and training before making a commitment to therapy.
For those struggling with conflicts about sexual orientation, reach out to someone who can offer hope. Being alone has taken the toll on me. As each day gets harder to face I know my time is limited. I fought a hard fight just wanting to have a partner but I was not given the gift of looks. And my big heart is not enough to to attract a great guy!
How time does not cure a broken heart! When Michael mentions finding pleasure and fulfillment from within, I can understand this point, but this is somewhat dependent on having a significant amount of money. Yes, if you can buy nice stuff, take trips or enjoy having adventures, you can do a lot to salve over any negative feelings you might be having. I can see both sides of that because ten years ago I was better off financially than I am now. Relative to some of the advice given, if you can afford a therapist or have a friend who cares to listen, yeah, that probably helps. It was all of the BS of a gay bar, but just adapted to motorcycles.
I totally hear where you are coming from. I am 56 and facing same challenges as single gay male. Thanks Loren. I just saw your reply. I go to a great gay therapist periodically with whom I am completely honest, including about my wish to find a way to end my life. I do try to interact with the men I meet, but they treat me like a sort of therapist as they describe their latest sexual escapades or unburden themselves to me in texts and occasional phone calls about their personal doubts and fears.
The more sane and balanced gay men I meet are coupled and understandably want to socialize with other gay male couples. They politely decline my social invitations.
I still have some sexual desires but not for the men I meet. I feel a sense of having completed the challenges of life and am grateful for those experiences. I see being able to choose to end my life as a reward for having made it this far. Am I just afraid of facing one more new challenge, namely, learning how to face the final stages of my life alone? Thanks for providing this forum as a place where I can openly acknowledge my feelings. I think there can be times when suicide is rational, for example, when someone is facing a terminal, painful illness with no hope of recovery.
Many of us would agree that a person suffering like that might justifiably begin to think of suicide as a way to end that awful pain. But loneliness and depression are not like chronic illnesses for which there is nothing that can be done. A study suggested that gay men who were more linked to the gay community were less satisfied with their own romantic relationships.
Rejection from other gay people, though, feels like losing your only way of making friends and finding love. Being pushed away from your own people hurts more because you need them more. The researchers I spoke to explained that gay guys inflict this kind of damage on each other for two main reasons.
It has to be constantly enacted or defended or collected. We see this in studies: You can threaten masculinity among men and then look at the dumb things they do. They show more aggressive posturing, they start taking financial risks, they want to punch things. This helps explain the pervasive stigma against feminine guys in the gay community. According to Dane Whicker, a clinical psychologist and researcher at Duke, most gay men report that they want to date someone masculine, and that they wished they acted more masculine themselves. Feminine gay men are still stereotyped as bottoms, the receptive partner in anal sex.
A two-year longitudinal study found that the longer gay men were out of the closet, the more likely they were to become versatile or tops. When he first came out, he was convinced that he was too skinny, too effeminate, that bottoms would think he was one of them. My boyfriend noticed recently that I still lower my voice an octave whenever I order drinks. So, his sophomore year, he started watching his male teachers for their default positions, deliberately standing with his feet wide, his arms at his sides. These masculinity norms exert a toll on everyone, even their perpetrators.
Feminine gay men are at higher risk of suicide, loneliness and mental illness. Masculine gay men, for their part, are more anxious, have more risky sex and use drugs and tobacco with greater frequency. One study investigating why living in the gay community increases depression found that the effect only showed up in masculine gay guys. The second reason the gay community acts as a unique stressor on its members is not about why we reject each other, but how. In the last 10 years, traditional gay spaces—bars, nightclubs, bathhouses—have begun to disappear, and have been replaced by social media.
At least 70 percent of gay men now use hookup apps like Grindr and Scruff to meet each other. In , around 20 percent of gay couples met online. By , that was up to 70 percent. Meanwhile, the share of gay couples who met through friends dropped from 30 percent to 12 percent. And yes, those are problems. But the real effect of the apps is quieter, less remarked-upon and, in a way, more profound: For many of us, they have become the primary way we interact with other gay people. It feels good in the moment, but nothing ever comes of it, and those messages stop coming after a few days.
It is that they are almost perfectly designed to underline our negative beliefs about ourselves.
In particular, the transition from young adulthood to middle age raises questions of how homosexual identity is redefined as gay men alter their participation in. Is midlife for gay men the start of a slide towards the rejection, exclusion and Whilst exclusion is possible as gay men age, Middle Aged Gay Men, Ageing and .
In interviews that Elder, the post-traumatic stress researcher, conducted with gay men in , he found that 90 percent said they wanted a partner who was tall, young, white, muscular and masculine. For the vast majority of us who barely meet one of those criteria, much less all five, the hookup apps merely provide an efficient way to feel ugly.
John, the former consultant, is 27, 6-foot-1 and has a six-pack you can see through his wool sweater. Vincent, who runs counseling sessions with black and Latino men through the San Francisco Department of Public Health, says the apps give racial minorities two forms of feedback: It is, like mine, mostly hellos he has sent out to no reply. None of this is new, of course.
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